So as I was sitting and trying to figure out how to start a blog about our ridiculous lives, it occurred to me that I can't just pick up in the middle of everything. The main reason is because the story of how Holly and I came to be is about as ridiculous as our life itself.
It starts on New Years Eve 1999...at a little bar known as Greka's (let the cheer erupt from any of my Rogers City peeps). The first crazy part about that day is that neither of us wanted to be there...Holly was coerced into going by her older sisters, and I was left with no other choice since Brandon Cook was too much of a pansy to drive to Gaylord in one of the worst storms of the year. I guess in hindsight, for once in his life, Brandon was being responsible...even though if my memory serves me right the only reason he REALLY didn't go is because he was trying to hook with someone from Rogers City that would be at Greka's that night.
I hadn't seen Holly since high school, and I really never even saw her much then. Not because the school was too big, but because she scared the shit out of me. Lets just say that Holly wasn't known for being the most approachable gal in the world. As a matter of fact, she was more well known for tormenting dipshits like myself and stealing Scary Jerry's underwear off his clothes line (yeah yeah...we know the story Hol..."IT WASN'T ME...IT WAS SHANNON!!). So when she walked into the bar that night, there is no way on God's green earth that I would have approached her had it not been for the fact that I was angry drinking for three hours prior to that. I still remember those fateful first words as she walked by the stupid ring toss game in Grekas. "Hey Holly...I think we need to renew acquaintances."
Her reply? A dirty look at first, then she said, "I don't even know you." Strike One for Felax. Later on in the evening, I tried again...and yes, I was so stupid that I used the EXACT SAME LINE as before. Strike Two for Felax. So finally I just decided to go up and talk to her like we were old friends (which we were...in elementary school). This actually worked, but in hindsight I think it just allowed her more opportunity to harrass me. She harrassed me about my stupid moustache in high school. She harrassed me about my big dorky glasses I wore in high school. She harrassed me about being bossy in elementary school. She harrassed me about stacking the kickball teams in 5th grade at recess. And the sad part was that I couldn't argue any of it (but let me tell you, we never lost in kickball).
As the night went along we actually got along very well and shared a LOT of laughs, mostly at the expense of former classmates from elementary and high school. So yeah, let me formally apologize to everyone from the class of 1995 since you were likely involved in that conversation at some point. One of the funnier moments was when the Paula/Paulette Police (Holly's protective older sisters) approached us and literally stepped in between Holly and I, with their backs to me, as if to say "Alright, your time is up". After some convincing on Holly's part, they left and the conversation continued. At the end of the night, I asked her out to see a movie and in typical Holly fashion...she said no. She even went as far as to use the classic, "It's not you, it's me" line. And that was it...or was it?
Well somewhere in that conversation, Holly told me that she had a daughter named Cheyenne and that she would be celebrating her first birthday on January 5th. This is where the story goes from weird to bizarre. A couple nights later I was out with a friend of mine by the name of Brian Critchfield (his name is now Yosef Abraham, but that is neither here nor there) and we were doing what we seemed to always be doing those days...going to Greka's and having a good time. Well, I told "Critch" about my conversation with Holly and since I was too much of a pansy to just call Holly again, in our drunken stupor we came up with the brilliant idea to send Cheyenne a birthday card to "break the ice". Well, what ensued at that point was literally one of the dumbest 2 hours of my life. Critch and I somehow ambled up to Glen's market and tried to find a birthday card. The pickins were slim, so we ended up choosing a card in the shape of a pickle (I don't remember what it even said, but I just know it was a giant pickle...what the hell?) So Critch and I decided to go out to our hunting camp and figure out what to write in the card. I wish I were exaggerating when I said this, but it literally took us well over an hour to come up with something to write. As a matter of fact, I didn't know how to sign the card. No one calls me by my first name, but usually people don't just automatically refer to someone as just their last name, so we came up with "R. Felax". How freaking stupid. (Interesting side note...anyone that knows Holly and I knows that she has never called me "Ryan" in my life, and the reason behind it stems from this stupid card. She initially always called me "R Felax", but shortly shortened it to just "Felax").
So once the card was written, we had another problem. What was her address? We had no idea, so we somehow managed to get to my sisters house and ask her if she knew Holly's dad's name since our sisters went to school together. We THOUGHT it was "Louis" (which it was), but we weren't positive. At this point, I tell Critch to call the number listed under "Louis" in the phone book, ask for Holly, and see what happens. He had SPECIFIC orders to hang up the phone if she was indeed there, since we were both pretty much too inebriated to talk on the phone. So Critch calls and Holly's brother answers, and when Critch asks for Holly, he goes to get her. Instead of hanging up the phone like he was told to, he hands it over to me and says, "She's coming". And I do what every confident guy does at this point...I hang the damn thing up. So yeah, that is how our first phone conversation went...me hanging up on her before she even has a chance to say hello. Funny thing is that Holly had caller ID on her phone, but it just so happened that when we called, her brother was on the other line so the caller ID didn't register on the phone. This relationship could NOT be off to a more awkward start.
So now is when I think destiny intervenes. A few days later, it's the day that I'm driving back to college. I was supposed to pick someone up around noon and we were going to drive down to Saginaw Valley to resume classes. Well, after I got all packed, I started my car and went back inside to say goodbye to my mom. But for some reason (I have no idea why to this day), I didn't leave. I stood with my hand on the door knob, waiting to go outside, but I didn't leave. I just talked to my mom and wasted time. I don't know what it was since I was already running late, but I just didn't leave. After about 15 minutes of wasting gas, I finally decided it was time to go, and literally as I turned the knob to go outside...the phone rang. I was by the phone, so I answered. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "Hello"
Silence.
Me: "Hello"
Other person: "Uh, is Ryan there?" (probably the only time she has ever called me that)
Me: "Yeah, this is."
Other person: "Oh. Uh...it's Holly."
Me: "Oh, hey"
Silence.
More Silence.
At this point, I had to break the silence so I asked if she got the birthday card, to which she replied, "Yeah, that's kinda why I'm calling."
Me: "Uh oh...it's not too creepy is it? I just thought with all you're going through it might be nice to get a card for her."
Holly: "Uh..no, not really".
And so it began. She later told me that she had no intention of talking to me on the phone. She just assumed I was back at college but by calling, at least she could say that she tried to call to say thank you for the card. When I answered, she had NO IDEA what to say since she wasn't planning on actually having a conversation with me. I finally convinced her to let me take her to a movie, and that is a whole other story in and of itself. It involved winning her dad's heart over with dime rolls and getting scolded by Holly (the first of MANY scoldings to come) for wasting good food that the chickens could eat. If you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about, you're normal.
So this is how it all began...both of us reluctantly going to a bar the same night, a drunken birthday card, a phone call hang up, and a phone call that was never intended to illicit a conversation. What ensues for the years to come is borderline insanity, but I can assure you this...no matter the struggles our family has faced and the obstacles that are in our way, we laugh every day. And we laugh alot. We probably laugh at things we shouldn't be laughing at...but it works for us.
That night in 1999, one Felax became three...and twelve years later it would be five. (Or six, if you count our three legged cat...yes, we have a three legged cat)....until next time.....
Felax
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